Episode 96 - bonus
POISON at the Expertease Offices???
How low will the Experteam stoop for love?
Transcript
Hello, expertise offices.
Dan:Dan O'Sullivan answering the phones today.
Dan:Thanks for calling.
Claire:Oh my gosh.
Claire:Dan.
Claire:Oh, it's Claire, Sarah.
Dan:Oh, Claire, it's time for our business meeting.
Dan:I always forget about these.
Claire:This is the wrong number.
Dan:Hang on, Claire.
Dan:I just need to put into my calendar.
Claire:Okay.
Dan:Add meetings with Claire to calendar.
Dan:Got it.
Dan:Wrong number you say?
Dan:Who were you trying to call?
Claire:I was trying to call the offices at expertise.
Dan:No, no, I must have mispronounced it somehow.
Dan:You've reached the offices of expertise.
Claire:No, the auspices.
Dan:Oh, this office falls under the auspices of expertise.
Dan:You're right.
Claire:Oh.
Claire:Oh great then.
Claire:Oh well that's perfect.
Dan:Yeah, we have the paperwork signed by the queen.
Claire:Well, now we can share a common wealth.
Dan:Let me get that in the calendar.
Dan:Share commonwealth with Claire.
Dan:Got it.
Claire:Perfect.
Claire:Oh, I'm so glad.
Claire:Good, good, good.
Claire:Cause we need this meeting.
Dan:Sounds like you've got something burning on the burner.
Claire:Yeah, I bought us a horse, Claire.
Dan:I've been hearing that whinnying from the seller.
Dan:Remember when we had elephants in the walls?
Claire:Yes, yes.
Claire:Well, now we have Winnie.
Dan:I am not an animal expert by any means, ironically, for a podcast called expertise, but I know that elephants do not.
Dan:Winnie.
Claire:Right.
Claire:And Winnie Neys, she's not a good improv partner, but she can get us from point a to point b so much more quickly because of her four legs.
Dan:So the pony is named Winnie?
Claire:Yeah, and she only has four legs, so her back two are missing.
Dan:I gotta work that through mathematically.
Dan:Her back two legs are missing and she still has four.
Claire:Only her four legs.
Dan:Only her four legs.
Dan:It's not a math joke.
Dan:It's a grammatical joke.
Claire:Yay.
Dan:Yay.
Dan:Not nay, Claire.
Dan:It always comes down to money.
Dan:Where are we getting enough feed for the feedback for a pony?
Claire:Well, see, this is the beauty of it, Dano, because I'm also offering rides to the locals.
Dan:Okay.
Dan:Twenty five cents per.
Claire:Per leg.
Dan:Per leg.
Dan:And I know she does not have her four legs.
Claire:She has her four legs.
Claire:She doesn't have her back legs.
Dan:Got it, got it.
Dan:All right, so at, let me just do the math real quick.
Dan:I'm doing everything with pencil and paper now, Claire.
Dan:I've been keeping my calendar, pencil and paper.
Dan:I'm doing my math.
Claire:Well, that's why we had the local inspector over yesterday.
Claire:We'd had a complaint about lead poisoning in our building.
Dan:Yeah, I have been so lead poisoned lately.
Dan:Do you get it?
Claire:Well, Dan, it's from all pencils you're using.
Dan:Oh, and I've been blaming the water.
Dan:I did not put number two and number two together.
Dan:Let me do that math real quick.
Claire:I have not been able to take number two since you started using so much lead in our office.
Dan:Wow.
Dan:Claire, let me just make an appointment for you with your oncologist, and you can get your number two taken care of.
Claire:You know, I did that for a while.
Claire:That's how I made my living.
Dan:Going number two?
Claire:No, I was on call.
Dan:Oh, you were an on call oncologist?
Claire:Yes.
Dan:Yeah, my uncle was an oncologist.
Claire:He must have been really good at it.
Dan:Why do you say that?
Claire:Well, if you're an oncologist, you've got to be an expert uncle.
Claire:We should have him on the show.
Dan:Oh, all right.
Dan:Make a note.
Dan:Call uncle ologist for booking.
Dan:Claire, I know you've.
Dan:I hope you've had a nice summer vacation, and I have some sad, personal news.
Claire:Oh, here comes fallen.
Dan:You are going to fall.
Dan:I'm afraid your little special office worker, Fernando, left a note saying he's run off with latte, the office cleaner.
Dan:So, first of all, our offices are a mess.
Dan:And I know for your love life, that was probably something you were looking forward to when you came back.
Claire:Oh, my gosh.
Claire:I thought he was on call for me, but apparently he was on call for latte.
Dan:Oh, latte for Fernando.
Dan:That's the way they called it, but it was spelled wrong.
Claire:That's just heartbreaking.
Dan:I'm sorry, Claire.
Dan:I didn't want to be the one to break the news that would break your heart.
Claire:You know, this is why it's really good to have a pony.
Dan:Yes.
Dan:You know what?
Dan:You can break a pony, but a pony will not break your heart.
Dan:Yeah, that's an old cowboy saying.
Claire:I love it.
Dan:I got that here in my.
Dan:I keep a chapbook, but I'm using my number two pencil, and I jot down little witticisms and anecdotes and things that I hear that just kind of capture my fancy.
Claire:Right.
Claire:Interesting chap.
Dan:Yep.
Dan:I'm gonna write that down.
Dan:I am interesting.
Dan:I'll just leave it at that.
Claire:Right?
Claire:That's.
Claire:No, that's enough.
Claire:That's definitely enough.
Claire:I'm sorry if my demeanor seems a little down now, but, yeah, it was.
Dan:A little meaner than it was.
Claire:Yeah.
Claire:Dismeanor is worse than the last one.
Claire:I'm just so sad.
Dan:And I agree with you, Claire, that maybe if you shift that affection that you've lost over to Winnie the ponytail, not a replacement for a true love.
Dan:The love of a man.
Dan:But, you know, until something better comes along, right.
Dan:You know, just saddle up that little.
Claire:My little two legged pony and take her for a roll.
Claire:I fashioned two wheels for her back legs.
Dan:Claire, this is how you bond with a two legged pony.
Claire:Yeah.
Dan:You get half of a pony costume, you become the other two legs and make that pony's life and body complete.
Claire:But I don't know, I feel like that just gives Latte and Fernando the chance to say that since they left, I've become nothing but a horse's ass.
Dan:Ponies bottom.
Claire:Oh, yeah, right, right.
Dan:Horses.
Claire:Yeah.
Claire:Dan, we need some good news to start off this next season.
Claire:I mean, I can't go on if it's just heartbreaking.
Claire:Two legged ponies.
Dan:I've got some great news for you, Claire.
Dan:It is time for the first annual.
Claire:Yes.
Dan:Usherette bake sale.
Claire:Usherette bake sale.
Dan:You jumped right on that like you were assuming that the usherettes would be baked.
Claire:Yeah, no, totally, man.
Claire:Is this a promotion with the local theater?
Dan:This is a promotion for the podcast.
Claire:Claire, do we have usherettes?
Dan:Yes.
Dan:Yeah.
Dan:Before Latte and Fernando left, they went through a hiring spree.
Dan:Oh, that's where the pony came from.
Dan:You know what?
Dan:I didn't even think of it.
Dan:Maybe the pony was a going away gift, a forget me not from Fernando.
Claire:You know what?
Claire:That's actually very sweet to leave an immobile pony behind.
Claire:You know, when you're leaving a loved.
Dan:One, I think it's traditional where he comes from.
Dan:Where does he come from?
Claire:Oh, he comes from.
Claire:How does.
Claire:Call on him.
Dan:Yes, yes.
Dan:In fact, I can flip through my chat book.
Dan:I've indexed it, by the way.
Claire:Oh.
Dan:So I've been keeping this now for six months.
Dan:And that's the key.
Dan:You've got to be able to recover the information once you put it in.
Claire:Oh, that is key.
Dan:So I just check the index and I can look under f for Fernando.
Claire:Right.
Dan:Or under another letter for the country that you just said.
Dan:What was it?
Claire:Right.
Claire:Paris Parnen.
Dan:Uh huh.
Dan:I think that's spelled with a j.
Dan:Yeah.
Claire:Jh.
Dan:Jh at the beginning.
Claire:Yes.
Dan:And there it is.
Dan:Traditions of leave a love.
Dan:Leave a pony.
Dan:It says.
Claire:Oh, you're making me miss him.
Dan:I didn't realize what a dream boat he was, Claire.
Claire:Yeah.
Dan:I can't believe you let him get away.
Claire:Yeah.
Dan:Anyway, so amongst the other gifts that Fernando left behind for us, the pony without food, that's our responsibility.
Claire:Oh, yeah, right.
Claire:That's all.
Claire:He's always one.
Claire:One hand giveth, one hand taketh.
Dan:I forgot he was one handed.
Claire:And I can't believe he ran off with a three legged woman.
Dan:Latte.
Claire:Lot of legs.
Dan:Lotta legs.
Dan:I was always sort of attracted to latte.
Dan:It didn't occur to me that I was a leg man, but, you know, when a gal's got three.
Dan:Yeah, you kind of look the other way.
Dan:It's like my waist is up here, gentlemen.
Dan:So we really are kind of piecing this thing together.
Dan:If they had left.
Claire:Piecing it together with legs, hands, and forelegs.
Dan:What can we do to get them back?
Claire:Well, should we consider paying them?
Dan:Mm hmm.
Dan:I think that would be sound.
Dan:What is the unit of money in Fernando's land?
Claire:It's a part, right?
Dan:You know the exchange on that, Claire?
Claire:Yeah.
Dan:We can pay him off in dimes, right?
Claire:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dan:Canadian dimes.
Claire:Even in canadian dimes, which they don't make anymore.
Claire:You know what, though, Daniel?
Claire:You know why they don't make canadian dimes anymore?
Claire:Lead content.
Dan:Oh, no.
Dan:We're back to that.
Claire:And we're already under fines from the local authorities for our lead poisoning seeping onto pavement avenue outside.
Dan:Oh, gosh, Claire, I blame myself completely with my number two pencils.
Dan:But there's got to be a way that we can solve all our problems, get back our loved ones, get rid of the excess lead that we're suffering from.
Claire:Right?
Dan:And keep the new pony well fed.
Claire:Oh, let's see.
Dan:Let's take it one step at a time.
Dan:What does a pony need?
Dan:Hey, oats, hey, hey, oats, oats, hey.
Dan:And oats, hey, hey.
Claire:Oats, hey.
Dan:And oats is a mispronunciation of the denomination of currency that Fernando.
Dan:Fernando Scott country uses.
Claire:Yes, that's right.
Dan:So what if we tell them we're.
Claire:Paying haynoots, but then we're taking food from the pony to pay Fernando?
Dan:I.
Dan:Claire, you're getting biblical on me.
Claire:But I think that's the solution, Dano.
Dan:Okay, so we're gonna pay hayonnotes to both the pony and Fernando, which only leaves latte and lead poisoning.
Dan:And we're in the green.
Claire:Well, I think the lead poisoning will take care of latte.
Claire:Oh, Claire, is that dark?
Dan:That is dark.
Dan:I'm glad that no one hears these calls.
Dan:Right, because if we can get a latte out of the picture.
Claire:Yes.
Dan:Your love life, there's no question about it.
Dan:That Fernando, he's gonna have that sorrow in his heart and come looking for love.
Dan:And, you know, there's nothing more romantic than a little pony ride at sunset.
Claire:Oh.
Dan:I mean, it would be a little pony ride with only two legs and short.
Claire:You know, she really can't go.
Claire:Those wagon wheels are so uncomfortable on her haunches.
Claire:I mean, Fernando was.
Claire:He was thoughtful, but he was not a good craftsman.
Claire:I mean, look around at our office.
Dan:I know.
Dan:Yeah.
Dan:Everything is just off kilter.
Claire:Yeah.
Claire:That was his dig at my roots, which are in Scotland.
Dan:I don't think I have the nerve, honestly, to poison latte.
Dan:If we can entice her back.
Dan:Can you do it?
Claire:Yes.
Dan:You can.
Claire:Oh, yeah.
Claire:She took the man I loved.
Dan:All right, so this is what it comes down to.
Dan:Clear.
Claire:Yeah.
Dan:One of us has to be brave enough to hand latte 75 gross of number two lead pencils.
Claire:That is gross for sure.
Dan:I don't mean it that way, but it is.
Claire:Well, it's number two pencils, like, 172 of them.
Dan:A dozen dozen is a gross.
Claire:Yeah, that's 172.
Claire:I mean, I thought we were doing harder math.
Dan:Oh, I see.
Dan:Yeah.
Dan:No, let me just jot that down with my pencil.
Claire:Oh, no, Dan.
Claire:Oh, Dan.
Dan:Pencil led.
Dan:Erase, erase.
